How 50 Shades reflects real-life abuse in BDSM (part 3)

This post is the third of three that lists some of the ways a rant I read about an abusing big-shot dominant in the BDSM scene reminded me of Christian Grey (part one is here and part two is here). You can read the original rant (in its uncut strong language) here. If phrases like “BDSM,” “s-type” and “d-type” are unfamiliar for you, you might want to check out my Dictionary page. I’ve also written separately about why I write about BDSM and why I write about 50 Shades.

Content note: This post talks about abusive behaviour. I try not to be graphic but it’s generally not nice to read about and I do repeat some of the creepy things Christian says and does to Ana in the 50 Shades books.

Lesson 8: There are NEVER “no limits”

Let’s start with a quote from the rant:

No one has “no limits”, and to say you don’t (especially as a new person to the lifestyle) is simply foolish because a new person has no idea what to expect.

And anyone remotely informed about BDSM knows this. Anyone who remotely cares about consent will challenge anyone and everyone who says they have “no limits,” because people who say they have “no limits” do not know what they are saying. Instead, their idea of what a BDSM scene could involve has limits.

Continue reading How 50 Shades reflects real-life abuse in BDSM (part 3)

How 50 Shades reflects real-life abuse in BDSM (part 2)

This post is the second of three that lists some of the ways a rant I read about an abusing big-shot dominant in the BDSM scene reminded me of Christian Grey (part one is here).

If phrases like “BDSM,” “s-type” and “d-type” are unfamiliar for you, you might want to check out my Dictionary page. I’ve also written separately about why I write about BDSM and why I write about 50 Shades.

Content note: This post talks about abusive behaviour. I try not to be graphic but it’s generally not nice to read about and I do repeat some of the creepy things Christian says and does to Ana in the 50 Shades books.

Lesson 4: Pre-negotiation must be neutral and pressure-free

The ranter talks about limits:

There is no excuse for a D/M to be unable or unwilling to discuss these things openly and in a non-threatening, non-intimidating fashion in a neutral setting (emphasis on the “nons” and “neutral”). This allows for open communication and allows the s-type to express where they are with a particular limit.

Continue reading How 50 Shades reflects real-life abuse in BDSM (part 2)

How 50 Shades reflects real-life abuse in BDSM (part 1)

One of the biggest myths spoken about 50 Shades of Grey is “It’s not abuse, it’s BDSM.” I recently read a rant from a guy in the BDSM scene calling out abusive behaviour from a big-shot d-type who was using his reputation to silence his critics and the people he was abusing. Unlike 50 Shades, the rant is not fictional, which is why the strong parallels it has with 50 Shades are so serious. You can read the rant (in all its anger and uncut strong language) here. In the meantime, this post is the first of three that lists some of ways the big-shot dominant the ranter described reminded me of Christian Grey.

If phrases like “BDSM,” “s-type” and “d-type” are unfamiliar for you, you might want to check out my Dictionary page. I’ve also written separately about why I write about BDSM and why I write about 50 Shades.

Content note: This post talks about abusive behaviour. I try not to be graphic but it’s generally not nice to read about and I do repeat some of the creepy things Christian says and does to Ana in the 50 Shades books.

Lesson 1: Abuse can happen – even in a BDSM setting

“It’s BDSM” is never enough. There should always be a discussion about consent, risk and appropriateness: that’s what distinguishes abuse from what gets called “safe, sane and consensual BDSM” and “risk-aware consensual kink”.

Continue reading How 50 Shades reflects real-life abuse in BDSM (part 1)

A real-life rant about “command rape” in the BDSM scene

This guest post is about abuse within the BDSM scene, particularly what the author calls “command rape”. It’s not a piece of fiction. I asked to reproduce it for one thing because the author is in the scene and makes some good points about BDSM and but also because the “Snake in the grass” he’s ranting against also bears uncanny likeness to Christian Grey. I’m writing about that separately in three different blog posts, but in the meantime, this will give you a gist of why he’s writing:

We’re all human, we make mistakes. It’s when those “mistakes” become a pattern that raises concern. When there are multiple individuals coming forward talking about a local “Master” who appears to have abused, coerced and straight-up disregarded the hard limits of, not just someone close to me, but several others, I get [very angry].

Content note: This post is very angry in tone, has very strong language, discusses abusive practices and uses graphic hyperbole to make a point (I have put a warning into the text). Also, although the author gives useful definitions to make his points and help convey understanding, these are not intended as legal or definitive definitions and should not be understood in that sense.

Continue reading A real-life rant about “command rape” in the BDSM scene

Why do I write about 50 Shades?

It was just gone midday on the 21st January 2015. The previous evening I’d decided that it was worth doing a blog about 50 Shades of Grey and now I was having some time out to think about how exactly I’d go about doing that and how I would explain it to people.

It so happened that I walked into St Paul’s Cathedral (London) just as a passage from one of the gospels was being read as part of the midday communion service. It was Matthew 18vv1-7, about who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And there was this bit:

Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come! (NIV)

That’s when it hit me. Continue reading Why do I write about 50 Shades?

Why do I write about BDSM?

BDSM stands for: Bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.

I want to get something straight right at the outset:

This blog is not here to promote BDSM.

So if you’re looking for tips on how to get involved with BDSM and meet people who are into it, you’ve come to the wrong place. BUT, there are a number of writings here about how not to get involved (often written by people who are involved).

So, I’m not trying to promote BDSM, but I do want to promote awareness of what BDSM is and isn’t. I have three main reasons for why I want to do this. (If you want more detail on BDSM-related words and phrases. you might want to glance at my dictionary page.) Continue reading Why do I write about BDSM?

EL James is Big Brother

Grey is watching you. EL James is Big Brother in 1984. Electronic surveillance is love.
I was recently reminded of 1984.

EDIT: For a while, I have debated the ethics of employing sarcastic humour at EL James’ expense – I mean, at want point does it become a mud-slinging match? Where’s the line between being a critic and a ‘hater’? In the end I thought about this response EL James gave an abuse survivor and this one to a polite request. I also loved some of the tweets she got in her Grey launch Twitter event.

The Honest 50 Shades trailer: oh so true!

For those who haven’t seen an Honest trailer before, they’re a series of satirical trailers on YouTube that (as the name suggests) are honest about a film’s or TV series’ faults. The 100th Honest trailer was – you guessed it! – 50 Shades of Grey. The humour in Honest trailers won’t be to everyone’s taste (not all of it is to mine) but for anyone with an axe of bugbears to grind, the 50 Shades trailer makes satisfying viewing. Here it is, along with 10 thoughts I had after watching it:

Continue reading The Honest 50 Shades trailer: oh so true!

About the “steamy action” in 50-Shades-the-film

OK, I want to throw my two cents in when it comes to the portrayal of sex in the film of 50 Shades of Grey. This is partly in response to the rather sarcastic indictment of the film offered by the Honest trailer for it (here if you’re interested), in that the “steamy action” includes contracts, negotiation, clauses, conditions, emails, texting, non-disclosure agreements… Continue reading About the “steamy action” in 50-Shades-the-film

What’s bad about “the worst” six slaps?

It took me a moment to register that I was smiling as I read chapter 26 of Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, you read correctly, I was smiling. Christian and Ana were engaged in a playful game of cat and mouse around the kitchen – he with his dastardly boasting, she with her undaunted wiliness  – and it was fun. Until suddenly it wasn’t a game.

The ending of Fifty Shades of Grey (both film and book) is undeniably one of the most irritating things that I’ve had to get my head round. Ana asks Christian to show her “the worst” in the film or “as bad as it can get” in the book. In the film he asks her if she’s sure, in the book he asks if she’s ready. She says yes. He says he’ll hit her six times. He then hits her six times. He then stops. Does this mean she actually was consenting to the whole relationship and he’s not actually abusive? Deep breath. Content note: I talk about abusive and violent behaviour in this post and the use of discipline in a BDSM context.  Continue reading What’s bad about “the worst” six slaps?

7 essential facts about consent

This piece of writing is a fantastic one-stop-shop about what consent really looks like. The BDSM-er who wrote it intended it more as a vent of frustration than an educational piece, which is why I have ever-so-slightly edited some of the original language. Reproduced with kind permission of tumblr’s HotDogPhoto.


During the last several months, my local community and the scene at large has had a number of issues regarding consent violation, assault, and generally predatory behavior. In the wake of these instances, I’ve seen a lot of discussions of consent and in the course of those discussions I’ve seen a lot of comments that have chilled my blood. People saying things like, “Well, I subscribe to a blanket theory of consent,” or “The older generation of kinksters doesn’t think about consent that way.” The purpose of these statements is often to make it appear that the issue of consent is that of a subjective communal construct that my peers and I are changing after the fact.

Here’s the thing: It’s not. “Consent” as a concept, has been widely employed in medical ethics (and extended to ethics more broadly) through the last 60 years. So, unless you got into the scene before Nuremberg, the word “consent” has entailed much of the same conceptual baggage the whole time. I want to take some time (as someone with years of graduate training in the history and anthropology of medicine, and medical ethics) to clarify some of the facts. Continue reading 7 essential facts about consent

A message to Muslim teens on 50 Shades

As I consider myself to be a person of faith, I’m often interested in how other people apply their beliefs to sex. I recently read a post by a Muslim writer and mother who says:

I cannot discuss all the points in the book thoroughly in just one article. However, to highlight some major issues, I want to tell my dear teenage daughters…

My only caveat on this article is that the author criticises a particular practice that labels itself “Christian” in the Christianity sense. Her criticism of the practice is justifiable in my view, though it seems strange to me that her single reference to a religion other than her own picks this out – particularly when a great many Christians, including me, would describe the practice as anything but Christian. [Edit: you can read her response to this below]

That said, what she makes a number of excellent and concise points. You can read them here: What Muslim teens need to know

Did you find this post by clicking on a pingback on the MuslimMatters site? You might be interested in this review of the film of 50 Shades of Grey from a Christian(ity) angle.

Ana’s spin cycle – the most mundane description ever?

In some respects Lord of the Rings was wasted on me when I first read it. I was after action and adventure but, although there was enough of that to keep me reading, Tolkien as an author evidently delighted in painting pictures with his words – and he spent a great proportion of his books doing just that with people, landscapes, cultures and histories.

As I read I became practised at zoning these bits out and, unsurprisingly, I didn’t remember much of Tolkien’s descriptive flourishes first time round. But, as it so happens, years later I went on holiday to Scotland… Continue reading Ana’s spin cycle – the most mundane description ever?

50 Shades of Grey: A Christian(ity) angle on the film

This might get a bit confusing: my name is Chris(tine), I describe myself as a Christian, but I don’t like Christian (Grey). Here goes…

With the recent release of the films, the whole 50 Shades trilogy has hit the limelight even more and there are plenty of places where you’ll see reviews of the film written by people whose opinions are informed by what they believe. In many ways I don’t have a problem with this, after all, I’d be lying if I said starting this blog was in no way informed by what I believe. Of course it is.

But it’s not uncommon for me to cringe a little as I read reviews, comments and open letters from people who evidently:

  • haven’t seen the film but want to comment on it, or
  • haven’t read the books but want to comment on them, or
  • just want to engage with their concerns about sex-related issues, rather than the issues the film and books raise.

But today I read a review/comment that I found refreshing. It was written by an anti-porn campaigner, but porn wasn’t his problem with the film. He was also a Christian, but his problem wasn’t with the sex outside wedlock. Instead, he saw the problem as being the fact that Christian is abusive.

He also invited readers to re-tweet a couple of his sentences. I don’t do Twitter (yet), so I’ll repeat the one I liked best here:

this movie didn’t turn me on – it made me mad.

Yup, I had that when I read books. Welcome to the club.

Here’s the review: What I don’t understand about Fifty Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Wannabe

I was musing about what songs or theme tunes would fit Ana and Christian and had an unexpected creative burst. You need to imagine this to the tune of the Spice Girls’ song Wannabe. At some point I’ll see if I can’t add audio and visuals, but for now, picture Ana reading the BDSM contract and singing this…  Content note: The dark streaks in this are not unintentional. I guess that’s my way of saying you might find this disturbing and not funny. And yes, it is disturbing because, well let’s face it, Christian’s behaviour is disturbing – as are Ana’s attitudes towards him and herself! Continue reading 50 Shades of Wannabe