Sometimes consent is about what’s happening in the moment, sometimes it’s about the wider context of a relationship and what’s healthy in the long term. In other words, if we talk about consent, we also need to talk about relationships in general.
This page is most about how consent (or the lack thereof) and relationships get talked about in the church. I have many thoughts on this—most of them are critical, though every now and then I put out something about consent should work.
For how these topics are discussed in the BDSM scene, I’d refer you to my BDSM page (which includes why I write about that topic).
Meanwhile, if you want to read about consent specifically in the Bible (including those notorious rape laws in Deuteronomy 22), have a look at my Sex (and virginity) in the Old Testament page.
- Marriage is a safeguarding issue
- Is sex without consent still sex?
- Why Love & Respect’s CHAIRS acronym isn’t about genuine respect
- On Dobson, domestic violence and DARVO dynamics
- “Be self-giving, not self-seeking” — but what if that’s the wrong marriage advice
- On consent for sex in the middle of the night
- On wives ‘depriving’ their husbands of sex because she ‘doesn’t feel like it’
- Consent means communicating if something’s not going to plan (in a context of mutual trust)
- Sex and Consent: How does that work in a long-term relationship?
- “But if I have not consent…” A short poem about why consent is essential in sex
- 45 reasons why the culture behind #ChurchToo fails to understand consent
- Always reforming: 95 statements on hope, sexuality and consent
- Modesty 101: modesty is not about clothes, rather glory and context
- Sex and consent: everything I didn’t know when I married
- The key to lifelong sex? Get the right advice.
- To the evangelical couple considering sex therapy
- On the receiving end of sex – why it’s not just about giving
- Ruth and Joseph: A closer look at love vs abuse
In my 95 statements on hope, sexuality and consent I had these to say about sex and consent specifically:
Sex
31. Sex is play.
32. Sex is much, much broader than penis-in-vagina intercourse.
33. Any sexual ethic based on inexperience and/or passive preservation, is purity culture.
34. The couple in “Song of Songs” probably weren’t married.
35. Genital response without arousal is a thing. It’s called non-concordance. (Emily Nagoski)
36. Only becoming aroused when approached for sex is a thing. It’s called responsive-only desire. (Emily Nagoski)
37. In general terms, covering genitals stops people from making non-consensual statements of ownership over others.
38. The act of sex speaks, regardless of context.
39. At its best, sex speaks of mutual belonging and unity.
40. Sex is prophecy.
Consent
41. Consent for a sexual relationship should not be sought where there is a significant power imbalance.
42. Consent to a relationship does not imply consent to a specific act.
43. Sex is not about saving someone’s life, so get active consent each time, every time, before penetrative intercourse.
44. Doing something new in sex? Get continuous active consent.
45. Doing something fun in sex? Get enthusiastic consent.
46. Informed consent means known exclusions, known inclusions, and being risk aware for unknowns.
47. When it comes to sex, stopwords do not require explanation and should be honoured without qualification.
48. Honouring consent is a form of faithfulness.
49. Giving and receiving consent is a form of wisdom.
50. Wisdom is something that grows with maturity.
For other resources (not on this blog) discussing how I deconstructed many myths I held about sex, consent and my body:
- I wrote for CBE International here: What I Wish the Church Had Told My Husband and Me About Sex and Consent
- I spoke with Meghan Tschanz on her Faith and Feminism podcast, going through all the above in more detail. The recording is on her blog and also downloadable from iTunes.