In a frenzied search for your Mr Grey? Read this. Now.

OK, so… this isn’t a post directly about 50 Shades but I’m putting it here, because when I think of women getting all excited about the idea of finding their personal dominant Christian Grey, I think of this story.

As the author opens:

Sub frenzy: (definition) A state of being in which a sub, usually but not always one new to the lifestyle, gets so darn excited about the concept of submitting they attempt to submit to the nearest door knob and/or find themselves in potentially dangerous situations because their brain is so awash with endorphins they are honestly not thinking clearly.

I don’t have a problem with people being curious about their submissive sides and having a look for a dominant partner. But I do have a problem with people doing this with their brains switched off. This is a story from a woman in the BDSM community that shows why. Content note: This post contains strong language and description of an actual rape. 

Reproduced with Rain deGrey’s kind permission.  

(IRL = in real life; munch = social gathering of kinksters)


 

Sub frenzy: (definition) A state of being in which a sub, usually but not always one new to the lifestyle, gets so darn excited about the concept of submitting they attempt to submit to the nearest door knob and/or find themselves in potentially dangerous situations because their brain is so awash with endorphins they are honestly not thinking clearly.

I didn’t start out the strong, confident, take-no shit type of person you see today. In fact, when I first started out exploring the joys of this lifestyle, I actually thought I was submissive! (Now I know I am a sadomasochistic switch with strong service tendencies that Tops 90% of the time, but that is a whole ‘nother blog entry and not relevant here.)

I am a STRONG believer in personal responsibility and owning your shit. We are all adults here, and common sense applies. Subs don’t get a free pass to flail about helplessly because they can’t be trusted to tie their shoes. And yet… yet things to happen. Something happened to me, something I am still coming to terms with, and if just one newbie sub comes across this blog and reads it, then the time I took to write it was worthwhile.

It starts, as many horror stories do, off of Collarme. Yes, I know that there are some Collarme success stories, but I don’t run into them as much. I was a baby in the lifestyle and hadn’t ever done public play or gone to a munch. Nope, it was all online for me. Newbie kinksters, trust me on this, if there is ONE piece of advice I can give you, it is MEET YOUR COMMUNITY IN REAL LIFE. The things that happen to newbies still lurking in the dark behind computers without the safety net of the public eye are many and sad. I was one of them.

My collarme handle was “freshsub4u”. Yes, I know, I know. Did I ever get messages! Loads of them. And one of them was a paramedic around my age that didn’t live too far from me. Months of grooming ensued. We talked, and the more I talked, the more I got excited. Excited enough that my baby kinkster brain was surging with sub juice. Enough sub juice that my logical, take no shit brain seemed to get drowned out. Enough that I found myself in a very bad situation.

When we finally arranged to met, he was very mysterious. He had me meet him in a Starbucks by the window so he could park his car, look at me and decide if he wanted to proceed. He was going to call if I passed the test. I sat there clutching my phone. It rang!! He then directed me to a rest area, where he had me park my car, go to the back, slide my panties around my ankles, hoist my skirt up and stick my bare ass out the back of the car. I passed this test too. The third stop was to an apartment complex. By this time it was dark. He came up behind me and shoved a hood over my head, then led me stumbling through a door.

It was dark, I couldn’t see him well, he took me into a room in the complex and proceeded to tear my clothes off. Then, with his dick out, he sneered “You are a sub and subs do what they are told,” and proceeded to fuck me without a condom. I froze. What could I do? He was bigger then me, stronger than me, and I was so overwhelmed that I just shut off and waited til it was over. All of the things I always swore I would do if I found myself in a situation like that didn’t happen. I was a numb, shocked block of ice. When he was done, I gathered my torn clothes, found the door I had come in and wandered the apartment complex until I located my car. I drove home, went to get tested the next day, and spend the time until I got my test results trying not to think about all the ways everything had gone so horribly wrong.

Did I contact the police? Use the “r” word? Not on your life. “Gee officer, I went to a BDSM website, started talking to a guy, agreed to meet him, agreed to stick my bare ass out of my car in a public place, but felt extremely violated when he decided to fuck me without a condom.” Yes, that would get put at the top of the priority list.

My test results came back negative, I never talked to the guy again, and I also never found myself in a situation where I was so overcome with sub frenzy that I was making poor, illogical decisions. If any newbies read this, please, I beg you, take the time to think. Don’t let the excitement of this amazing lifestyle get you so worked up you are not properly taking care of yourself. And get away from the computer now and then and meet your community!! It is worth it, I promise.

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PS A very common phrase I am hearing is how sorry people are that I had to go through this. While I am sorry too, I refuse to let my past define me as a person. Your past is like a heavy wet winter coat people are lugging around at all times. I, for one, have chosen to set that coat down. Learn from your past, but don’t allow it to overwhelm your present.

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People are mentioning that coming out from behind the computer and joining the community IRL isn’t a magic wand that will remove predators. Yes, it is true there are predators & unethical people at munches. They will always be there. But the safety checks when you are living your kink alone behind a computer are almost nil. The community isn’t perfect, but it is a darn sight safer then trying to figure all this shit out on your own…

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It has been pointed out that testing the next day would not give me accurate information on my status. I got tested the next day to have something to compare my 30 day results to so I could have something to compare my 3 month results to so I could have something to compare my 6 month results to. The reason I didn’t type all that before is that it is a lot of extra info, and I didn’t want it to distract from the main point I was trying to make. Me discussing how I felt waiting for each test result would quickly grow redundant on this page, but please rest assured I did not take my health casually.

I didn’t want to add so much that I would lose people off my main point, which is beware of sub frenzy, as opposed to a “what to do after you have been assaulted in terms of health and safety guide.”

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