This guest post is about abuse within the BDSM scene, particularly what the author calls “command rape”. It’s not a piece of fiction. I asked to reproduce it for one thing because the author is in the scene and makes some good points about BDSM and but also because the “Snake in the grass” he’s ranting against also bears uncanny likeness to Christian Grey. I’m writing about that separately in three different blog posts, but in the meantime, this will give you a gist of why he’s writing:
We’re all human, we make mistakes. It’s when those “mistakes” become a pattern that raises concern. When there are multiple individuals coming forward talking about a local “Master” who appears to have abused, coerced and straight-up disregarded the hard limits of, not just someone close to me, but several others, I get [very angry].
Content note: This post is very angry in tone, has very strong language, discusses abusive practices and uses graphic hyperbole to make a point (I have put a warning into the text). Also, although the author gives useful definitions to make his points and help convey understanding, these are not intended as legal or definitive definitions and should not be understood in that sense.
The Devil Is In The Details… Violation, Coercion, Command Rape, And A Snake In The Grass
I’ve kept my mouth shut for the most part when it comes to topics like coercion, consent violation and flat-out rape. People have asked me my thoughts on it all and I’ve shared them privately…
FUCK THAT
Not anymore
I’ve known a lot of people, both in the lifestyle and out, who’ve experienced these things first-hand. It breaks my heart and enrages me to the core. I feel my silence on the issue has done those people a sad disservice and it’s honestly making me sick.
So let me make some shit real fucking clear…
No matter how you word it… “coercion”, “manipulation”, “consent violation/disregard” or any other politically correct, soft term you wanna use…
It’s many times just pretty words for RAPE
For your convenience… definitions.
Rape – sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.
Limit – an activity which is considered new or pushing to an individual. These can be overcome with time and care. This requires patience and understanding.
Hard Limit – an activity considered to be an absolute and permanent “no”. These shouldn’t be pushed. They are written in stone and will remain so until the individual directly states otherwise (at which time they simply become a limit and can be worked through with extreme care) .
Seems pretty straightforward, RIGHT?… BUT WAIT…
There is another term that we a lot of times forget about…
Command Rape – When perceived or actual power or position is used to coerce the victim into activities which they otherwise would not participate in through intimidation.
This one is very applicable in BDSM. Especially when we consider the inexperienced, the young and impressionable, or simply those with personality types that want to “impress”, “please” or “prove worth to” a more experienced Dom or Master. Their lack of understanding of the reality and absolute necessity of limits puts these individuals at risk of being victimized.
Manipulation and coercion is a slippery slope.
Even if it’s a consistent “nudging” to push someone’s hard limits. This can be considered coercion.
Example…. Someone says, “I will never do anal, that is a hard limit for me” and the Dominant/Master consistently makes statements like, “Your ass will be mine”, “I will do what I want with your body” or just a simple, passing “Imma put it in your butt”, these statements can be manipulative and coercive in nature. They make the s-type feel as though they aren’t living up to expectations and aren’t good enough. If that activity is a “requirement” of yours… move the fuck along.
It’s different if the limits are discussed in open forum. It allows the s-type to say why it is not ok to do that specific activity. There is no excuse for a D/M to be unable or unwilling to discuss these things openly and in a non-threatening, non-intimidating fashion in a neutral setting (emphasis on the “nons” and “neutral”). This allows for open communication and allows the s-type to express where they are with a particular limit.
Violating a limit can happen by mistake from time to time. We all get “caught up” in a scene at times. Mistakes can be made. If it’s indicated that the scene needs to stop, via safeword or other indication, then aftercare should immediately begin. The D/M should talk to the individual and understand what happened and why. A D/M should NEVER make the individual feel guilty or less worthy for stopping the scene.
The idea of no limits is nothing but a crock of steamy horse shit. I had a girl (20 years old) tell me she “has no limits”. So I asked her, [GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION COMING HERE! SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU WANT TO AVOID IT!] “You mean I can pop your eye out and skull-fuck you then?”
Of course she gave a sharp and definitive “No.” My point was that that is, in fact, a hard-limit. I realize what I described was pretty unrealistic, but I wanted her to think before saying she has no limits. That’s the point. No one has “no limits”, and to say you don’t (especially as a new person to the lifestyle) is simply foolish because a new person has no idea what to expect. Seeing and doing are two very different things. It’s one thing to watch porn and masturbate to something, it’s completely different to experience it first-hand. A Virtual Experience in BDSM includes no actual physical experience. Nothing wrong with virtual or “emotional” experience, but should never be mistaken for Physical Experience. A Physical Experience in BDSM includes actual experience in conducting a scene. There are varying degrees of this type of experience (e.g. rope, consensual non-consent, sadism, masochism, etc.) and experience in one area does not indicate experience or proficiency in another.
Here’s the core of why I’m writing this…
To use your “authority”, “popularity” or simply your standing in the community to prey on the inexperienced is nothing more than you being a fucking rapist asshole. I can sit here all day and call myself “experienced” or a “pro”, but if I use my experience to push my girl into something she’s not ok with, well, then I’m a fuckin piece of shit and deserve every bit of public humiliation or other punishment that may come.
The thing is this… I care about my girl. I want her to be happy, healthy and thriving. Physically and mentally. I want her to be secure in the fact that if I make the mistake of making her feel unsafe or even just uncomfortable, she can count on me to care for her and not abandon her. I’ll hold her close and let her know and feel it.
Here’s where it hits home…
We’re all human, we make mistakes. It’s when those “mistakes” become a pattern that raises concern. When there are multiple individuals coming forward talking about the cold, demeaning treatment that they’ve received from a local “Master” who (after considering testimony from many) appears to have abused, coerced and straight-up disregarded the hard limits of, not just someone close to me, but several others, I get fucking pissed. Hiding behind an excuse of “they knew what they were getting into” is no excuse at all and I’m sick and goddamn tired of hearing it.
You, “Mr. Pro D.” crossed lines with several girls. You did not show remorse or care. You expected these girls to go care for themselves when they looked to you for what was missing and needed. You say that everything was consensual, however, unlike others, you have not shown your expectations up front. It hasn’t been until someone is on your “turf” that you show your true colors and expectations. Forcing your will and claiming that “they knew full-well before coming”. It’s the same story over and over again. That is bullshit and there’s a special place in the 9th circle for you (Circle of Treachery, see Inferno by Dante Alighieri). You have consistently betrayed trust in a way that is not a mistake, but a pattern. You cannot seriously expect, as a grown-ass man, any 18, 19 or 20 year old girl with zero physical experience in the lifestyle to know what “no limits” means to you as an experienced “Master”. You’re nothing but a Command Rapist.
Now I’m sure you and your cult are going to accuse me of “bandwagoning”. However, if those individuals would care to take a look at my past record of writings and photos, they’ll realize that I do not bandwagon. This is something that does affect me and people who respect and care me and I care about them, and is of interest because of that. I don’t just up and point fingers. I don’t just get infuriated and go on a “witch hunt”. I listen and watch and make my conclusion based on reality and my experience.
So let this be a warning based on evidentiary testimony and NOT hearsay…
There is in fact a “Mr Pro D.” in my Kink, Poly, M/s community who has consistently used his standing in the community to coerce and manipulate women (mostly young, fit, and impressionable “newbie” girls who identify as subs/slaves).
The exterior seems legitimate and “normal”, but the facade hides the true colors… A manipulative, coercive and ignorant individual who uses inexperienced women to not only fulfil his own sexual desires, but also uses the individuals for financial gain.
An experienced D-type does NOT…
1) Have unrealistic expectations of a “new” sub/slave. He will work with her on her limits and respect her hard limits.
2) Use women (especially “newbies”) for financial gain with or without their “consent” or “prior knowledge”. (This is just ethics)
3) Disrespect or disregard an s-type’s wishes for her life. If she wants to better herself then he should be supportive of that rather than discouraging them and saying they “will have all they need provided for them” (and then use them to make money… See #2).
4) Send the s-type packing when he makes an actual mistake. He should apologize, care for the individual and mend the broken trust.
Or finally
5) Spread word about an s-type that they are “just trying to slander” them or are “lying to everyone” or say “that’s how >>that girl<< is when she gets dumped” (sic). He will not need to speak negatively about a former sub/slave if there’s nothing to hide, and will say nothing but “we just didn’t work”.
Take these things to heart.
YOU could find yourself pulled into an area of BDSM, where the focus is not the beauty and primality of our desires, but only manipulation, coercion and the type of flat-out slavery which is not only not ethical, but simply immoral.
For those that want to know, this was originally posted in an online BDSM forum, where the terms of use prohibit naming names publicly. If you want to know more about all that, there’s some good analysis on the Yes Means Yes blog. I’m reproducing the post on my blog to raise awareness of issues of abuse, rather than to accuse a specific individual, so I haven’t tried to get names. In the meantime, if you’re on that forum and think you need to know more, the profile name of the person who first posted it is -PSYCHOTIX-.
