Lines in the sand (or: On consent and boundaries)

I believe consent is important enough and complex enough that it needs to be studied. This is where you’ll find posts about consent and how to identify and handle non-consensual (abusive) behaviours.

In my 95 statements on hope, sexuality and consent I had these ten to say about consent specifically (and there are other statements about abuse and sex):

41. Consent for a sexual relationship should not be sought where there is a significant power imbalance.
42. Consent to a relationship does not imply consent to a specific act.
43. Sex is not about saving someone’s life, so get active consent each time, every time, before penetrative intercourse.
44. Doing something new in sex? Get continuous active consent.
45. Doing something fun in sex? Get enthusiastic consent.
46. Informed consent means known exclusions, known inclusions, and being risk aware for unknowns.
47. When it comes to sex, stopwords do not require explanation and should be honoured without qualification.
48. Honouring consent is a form of faithfulness.
49. Giving and receiving consent is a form of wisdom.
50. Wisdom is something that grows with maturity.

If you’re looking for something and you can’t find it, please feel free to contact me.

About consent


45 reasons why the culture behind #ChurchToo fails to understand consent

Candles surrounding the cross in Norwich Cathedral

#ThatsHarassment: David Schwimmer makes six short videos showing sexual consent violations (Apr 2017)

Sex and consent: everything I didn’t know when I married (Jan 2017)

Essay on consent; red text is what I didn't know when I married

I dated Christian Grey… and I don’t care to see him again (Feb 2017) (50 Shades related)

Woman standing arms folded in from of Christian Grey picture from 50 Fifty Shades Darker.

What’s bad about “the worst” six slaps? (50 Shades related)

How 50 Shades reflects real like abuse in the BDSM scene: part 1, part 2 and part 3

YesMeansYes: What coercive people look for in a “No”

Easier reads

Seven essential facts about consent

“All consensual?” Jamie, can you REALLY say that?  (50 Shades related)

About abuse, stalking, and other bad stuff in Fifty Shades


50 Shades Is Domestic Abuse: The myth that love cures abuse  (50 Shades related)

Jenny Trout: An open letter to 50 Shades of Grey fans and ardent defenders  (50 Shades related)

Jenny Trout: 50 Shades and abusive relationships  (50 Shades related)

Easier reads

Why do people say 50 Shades is (or isn’t) abusive?   (50 Shades related)

Reflections from standing outside the Fifty Shades Darker premiere (Feb 2017)

Protest banner against 50 Shades "Not consent, not redemption, not a fairy-tale" with quotes from Fifty Shades Darker

Personal stories

In a frenzied search for your Mr Grey? Read this. Now.

Specifically about BDSM

Why do I write about BDSM?

Telling the difference between kink and abuse

A message to S-Types – What you REALLY need to know

Jenny Trout: On defending BDSM with 50 Shades (50 Shades related)