What’s bad about “the worst” six slaps?

It took me a moment to register that I was smiling as I read chapter 26 of Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, you read correctly, I was smiling. Christian and Ana were engaged in a playful game of cat and mouse around the kitchen – he with his dastardly boasting, she with her undaunted wiliness  – and it was fun. Until suddenly it wasn’t a game.

The ending of Fifty Shades of Grey (both film and book) is undeniably one of the most irritating things that I’ve had to get my head round. Ana asks Christian to show her “the worst” in the film or “as bad as it can get” in the book. In the film he asks her if she’s sure, in the book he asks if she’s ready. She says yes. He says he’ll hit her six times. He then hits her six times. He then stops. Does this mean she actually was consenting to the whole relationship and he’s not actually abusive? Deep breath. Content note: I talk about abusive and violent behaviour in this post and the use of discipline in a BDSM context.  Continue reading What’s bad about “the worst” six slaps?

The myth that love cures abuse

I personally believe that fearless, compassionate, sacrificial love is one of the most transforming things anyone can ever receive. But I dare say there are a lot of fanciful and quite wrong ideas about what that really (I mean really, really) looks like in action. I’d love to explore that theme later down the line (and hope to do so) but in the meantime I think the point needs to be made:

Ana’s feelings and actions towards Christian is not what it looks like. 

The 50shadesisdomesticabuse blog makes this point really well in a myth busting post they wrote. Not only that, but it points out the reasons why this is such a dangerous myth when it’s believed by victims of abuse.

The relevant post is quite long (though worth a read) but the bit about this particular myth is after the image of a bookshelf and under the heading “But her love cures him in the end. They both have to learn, compromise and make sacrifices and that’s what a relationship is about.

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A message to S-Types – What you REALLY need to know

This is essential reading for the would-be Ana’s out there who are curious about BDSM (and for anyone looking to be more informed about BDSM in general). As you’ll see from the sign off at the end, it’s from someone at the total-power-exchange end of the BDSM lifestyle. Content note:  Contains a couple of a brief references to things sadists might do. Continue reading A message to S-Types – What you REALLY need to know

Jenny Trout: On defending BDSM with 50 Shades

You don’t need to go very far to find people arguing that the relationship dynamic in 50 Shades is abusive… and when you find them you’re likely to find someone else saying “It’s not abuse, it’s BDSM.” This essay by Jenny Trout gives her reasons on why she believes 50 Shades is harmful to the image of BDSM and why she doesn’t want people to use 50 Shades to defend her personal choices. Dear 50 Shades fan: BDSM doesn’t need or want your defenseContent note: this has colourful language and some explicit content. Heed the content note she puts at the top of the essay.

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